How many times have I killed myself?
Not to be a memory lost,
Not to have a #successor,
Not to fear loss,
Not to feel love,
Not even a question.
It's lonely in one's grave,
With the company
Of all those me's,
Including the one who knew you
When time meant something.
#vss365
"In my dreams, I see her with me."
"Who?"
"My first love. My only love."
"Weren't you two kids then?"
"So?"
"Do you see her as a kid in your dreams?"
"Of course."
"In your dreams, are you the kid you were or the dirty old man you are?"
"Dreams can't be #illicit."
#vss365
Love letters without that word,
Forbidden affair that was open,
A climax before the play began,
A postprandial fantasy
We thought we would share
With kids and grandkids,
But that was before the whisper
Of tender care became the #augury
Of a night that is endless.
#vss365
You look #chic, she said,
What do you want, chick, I growled.
Her left hook said rest.
#vss365
#haiku #senryu (definitely not!)
At a reunion/On social media.
They are #suave and accomplished.
Status anxiety.
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
I do not know what the ending will be. Maybe, she has married once again; maybe, I will propose a long time too late.
It is not the ending that #matters.
I will read this to her.
The #last time I wrote about love, she laughed at me.
#vss365
from my story:
https://newnonentities.blogspot.com/2010/07/last-time-i-wrote-about-love.html
"I would have taken my life then. You saved me. I will never forget what you did."
"You are blowing it out of proportion."
Talk about death or love or other personal #matters bores me.
#vss365
from my story:
https://justoneavatar.blogspot.com/2012/01/tasks-at-end.html
A politically correct creative artist is also known as an untrustworthy nincompoop.
#justsaying
Thought it's an old joke.
Told god our #specific plans.
Laugh-like lightning struck.
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
Every day I try to write a love poem,
Not that I know anything about that,
That should be the easiest,
Not that disaster's tougher,
One's my shadow I'm the other's,
Not that it's in my #action list,
One day I'll write about you,
Not that I won't delete before the end.
#vss365
I took her hand. I opened my fingers, giving her the #option to remove her hand but she kept her palm on mine. I closed my fingers. Gently squeezed her hand. There was a pause before she returned the same. I noted the hesitation. We sat, like kids, happy holding hands.
#vss365
from my story:
https://justoneavatar.blogspot.com/2013/12/touch.html
“Romance wouldn’t have touched you with a 20-foot pole!”
“I was that bad, huh?”
“Bad would be an understatement. Only later, much later, did I wonder if that had been your #goal all along.”
“To keep romance away?”
“Yes.”
#vss365
from my story:
https://justoneavatar.blogspot.com/2016/07/the-liars.html
She hates my tales. But,
Has no #issue with the act.
Sweet love makes me write.
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
"I need free #transport
From this world to hers," I said.
"Sans soul then?" god said.
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
Curse the day I got to know that I am a reborn #myth-ological figure.
The tragedy I can handle. Always have. Even without the comfort of it being an old tale.
It's the censorship that's galling. They want my story to suit their rules.
#vss365
It's the worst season here. The election season.
That's when we realize how pathetic we are.
A true #measure of a democracy is a government of the people, by the people, for the people IF AND ONLY IF we the people make sure the present incumbent will lose.
I used to be proud of my state for sticking to that fundamental principle. No more.
There's another reason to be depressed.
Here, religion and caste still decide the candidates. Left, right or center, that has not changed.
And, as if that's not enough, they have removed my favourite choice in recent times: NOTA (none of the above).
#vss365
My #literature.
"Lovely pulp fiction," she said.
Heartbreak through ego.
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
I can forget a #language just as easily as I can pick up one. A part of my brain seems to be reserved for this.
When I realized that, I had to acknowledge the fact that language, and therefore speech, could be irrelevant.
#vss365
from
https://newnonentities.blogspot.com/2010/07/speechless.html
To know the true worth of your writing, have an alt account with no link between the two accounts.
What's in a name? Lots.
Love's naught without #history,
That too, the wrong one.
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
I saw my first love. In a dream.
On a street, we said Hi and Bye.
Long letters of the past
Reduced to that not ash.
#Geography of the heart is over.
Next class is about history erased.
#vss365
#Education, that 4-syllable word,
Is it useless?
In college, the country's crème de la crème
Asked me if I belong to the lowest caste.
Lowest of the lowest, I said with pride.
Reservation, they probed. No, top rank, I said.
They had never been to an institution
With my lot, I learned. They will never
Understand how reservation might create
A level-playing field for all. Fair, no?
Sadly, #education isn't enough
To make idiots less idiotic.
#vss365
Around dawn, the doctors met Preethi and Sreekumar again.
"Arjun is conscious. One person can enter ICU. Give him strength before the surgery," they advised.
“Get Devika here,” Preethi said.
“My wife? For what?” Sreekumar said.
“Bells toll on the #domestic front.”
#vss365
from
https://newnonentities.blogspot.com/2020/07/the-rivals.html
He is not a faultless #creature. He is always searching for a nonexistent state of Utopia. He narrates the night’s nightmare hoping its horror would fade away. He is always teaching the little he gets to know and he seems to be preaching!
#vss365
from
https://newnonentities.blogspot.com/2010/06/on-writing.html
A many-splendoured
#Business. That's what love is.
Fiction that's real.
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
When time stopped #creeping,
We said bye, stopped ignoring
When we thought we could.
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
"Ahoy Archimedes!"
"I didn’t shout Eureka."
"You are outside wet & nude."
"There’s a kitten in my house."
"Aren’t you expecting Whatshername?"
"She brought the kitten."
"Pussy galore."
"#Creep!"
"What caused this zoophobia?"
"Premature unrequited love affairs."
#vss365
Remain we will on slopes fragile, to skid
When rains will bring old plans disposed, #terror,
A day splendid to find a new god dead,
Buried alive in grave unmarked, my kid.
#vss365
from
https://newnonentities.blogspot.com/2021/10/buried-alive.html
We could have loved each other
But there's no point raking up the past
With thoughts of ifs buts and rather than
Sober on a day overcast.
When love and desire play hookey
& there's bitter cold calculation
In Loss 101 for a rookie,
It's cursèd #Martian education.
#vss365
On that day, I stood on this balcony with romantic daydreams of being a hero with the simple dilemma, and #energy, to live or to die for love.
The lady on the balcony next to ours climbed onto the railing and stretched out her right leg.
#vss365
from
https://justoneavatar.blogspot.com/2012/01/alone-at-meeting-place.html
"I want tea."
"No tea for you."
"Don't be a bore."
"I hate it when you pour tea from the cup onto the #saucer and then slurp it."
"Give it to me in a glass then."
"Sacrilege."
"You won't?"
"No.
"No steak for you."
"Don't be mean."
"And no..."
"Don't you dare."
#vss365
So much to worry about,
Illness, apocalypse, etc.
But,
Today,
#HappyDiwali to all,
I think about that day,
You left,
28 years back,
But,
There's more,
Love, etc.
We didn't have much time,
But,
It lasts,
Forever,
No worry,
Ok, an #atom bomb, maybe,
Can beat that.
#vss365
I avoid the scatological.
From the poop stained great statues
To the filth that’s spread in god’s name.
I avoid love and poetry too.
From the aphrodisiac to the bitter end
From the sublime to the crass.
I avoid you.
From me
To you.
#SundayMusings
#HappyDiwali
At Breakups Anonymous:
"Couldn't write. Thought my stories are about them."
"She thought I was trying to kill her. Wouldn't believe I go for those with no reason to kill."
"An #android needs 1 Exabyte of memory per month @ 1 kg of gold. Should try cheap human beings."
#vss365
"Tell me what comes to mind."
"Ok."
"Love."
"Loss."
"#Arid."
"Loss."
"Money."
"Loss."
"Sex."
"Huh?"
"Friends."
"Duh."
"Religion."
"Loss."
"God."
"Huh?"
"Food."
"Where?"
"Dystopia."
"In-laws."
"Politics."
"Outlaws."
"Poetry."
"Huh?"
"Joke."
"Me."
#vss365
I was 14. Travelling alone to Singapore.
In Madras, went for the 'Poltergeist'.
Guy with 2 dolls sat in front. 3 heads faced me.
"I'm levitating," the lady with bhang thandai said.
"I love you," from the other side. To me. Her bf smiled.
Anything #unearthly? Nah.
#vss365
Autocorrect sucks.
"Need a #deluxe bride?" she asks.
Didn't I type let's ride?
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
I miss good ol' love.
Separate bath-bed-rooms with
Deviant #undertone.
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
A weird dream (again).
To prove my love to you (both),
Swim with #piranha.
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
"I'm getting married."
"You can't be a #libertine."
"Time we changed our ways."
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
Had a weird dream.
The Devil took over The God's work. Without a #clash of ego.
My love was given a new life.
The wicked got their comeuppance.
The innocent threw away the shroud of cynicism and smiled.
Not for long.
"I'll be back," The God had promised.
#vss365
One can't escape the sins of the past.
About 25 years back, I went for weddings and looked down on the hoi polloi gobbling down the veg sadya. I did that only when they served 4 or more payasams. (Before that era, I avoided weddings like the plague. I was too young for that and deaths.)
About 10 years back or so, the 3-minute weddings here were extended to include out-of-state features like haldi, sangeet, whatever. Only those who looked good on social media were invited for those events. I was not.
Now, they don't invite me even for the wedding. The bride and groom like to have a grand party with close ones. That's the good news. The bad news is that the parents still hold a function or reception, expect me to give a gift cheque and they serve food which makes the hoi polloi wonder, "Are we really that low class?"
#SundayMusings (on a Monday)
Is Time #elastic?
Ne'er thought it would hit me
Again.
Restless and insomniac
And happy
Urging the sun to rise sooner
Tongue-tied and anxious
Wake up wake up I beg
To hear that laugh
Before you say
What a kid you are
I bury myself in you
How close we are
Forever.
#vss365
"Searching for an #oasis
In the middle of a tropical forest.
Story of my life."
"A, will you please plz stop writing?"
"Swaps, that's my antidote to love. Never failed."
"Is there a woman
Who can tolerate you and
Your writing? Alas!"
"You are nearly there, woman."
#vss365
“Is the door closed?” she asked.
“Who cares?” I said.
It was a #blur after that. There were corny lines.
“I am not going to love you.”
“Me too...”
I am back in her life.
And I do not really know why.
I am not sure why she has accepted me.
#vss365
from
https://newnonentities.blogspot.com/2020/02/virgin-territory.html
I write
To #sublimate
Something
Into some other thing
I could call nothing
To feign
Some emotion
Without experience
To lose
Track
Of what I write
And
Wait
For my love,
My reader,
To misunderstand
And give my life meaning.
#vss365
"Class, use the word #escutcheon in a short poem. Swapna?"
"Fancy #escutcheon.
But, the lock's easy to pick.
Matters of the heart."
"Debatable. Arjun?"
"Ma'am, I take the Fifth."
"Why?"
"Do you want my poem on the configuration of adult pubic hair."
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
Biopic: 3 scenes of 'The End' (with bg music)
1. The Beautiful South: 'Rotterdam'
Lady Luck's #caprice?
"She's brain dead. Say your goodbye."
Last touch. I love you.
2. R.E.M.: 'Everybody Hurts'
Indifference hurts.
Authors' #caprice spoil a tale.
Marriage and divorce.
3. Johnny Cash: 'God's Gonna Cut You Down'
Love, when I vanish,
It will be to love truly.
#Capricious promise.
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
When we meet,
Let it be on a fine day,
A far-fetched #eventuality I know,
To have a chance to say
All that I should hide,
So that I am true,
Worthy of you,
To let trouble brew
And when I self-destruct,
Don't turn to look
Like you did in that dream
Of love mistook.
#vss365
#memory
#auldlangsyne
"Is your Hindi whatever over?"
"It's a movie."
"Whatever. Can I change the channel?"
"Why didn’t you say you want to watch something else? Instead of sitting there scowling."
"Enjoying your company."
"Yeah, right."
"Are you interested in going for a movie tomorrow? Morning show. With me."
"Which English movie?"
"The Hindi one with Govinda?"
"Serious?"
"Yes."
"Not whatever?"
"There’s a time and place for Hindi. Definitely not when Morse is showing."
"Why don’t you sit with your Morse tomorrow too?"
"I will. At night. So, date on?"
"Govinda whatever?"
"Yes."
"Ok."
Like moths to a flame, we went to the closed school in Simanggang every holiday.
We knew what would happen whichever game we played there. To nearly all.
No one is complaining. The old #stock of kids is not living up to expectations.
Why wasn't I chosen and altered?
#vss365
#vss365
Last night, I went to a strip club
and
it was hot like bloody Hell
the One on the pole
all black in the eyes
or
was it that One on my lap
a tale of entangled tails
hissed
aren't you the one who killed love
for existential #synthesis,
we give them the best time,
in a dungeon with no doors
placed on an ice block
it was a game with no safe word
even death could not save me
from the cold nothingness.
#vss365 #flinch
What is this flimsy life without a prank or two?
Do not #flinch when you are the victim.
Those words are from the One above (or below).
I am just the Messenger (in limbo) for jokers.
1/3
#vss365 #rein
I was 19. Filled my wallet with strips of paper. Went to a fair. Waited to be the target of a pickpocket. He wasn’t very good. Followed him to an alley. Heard him curse.
Tried to #rein in the vain exultation.
Stepped out of the shadows. Grinned at him.
2/3
#vss365 #conspire
Now, I follow serial-killers.
The last one reached his target's house to find the victim murdered. With his MO.
Divine forces must have #conspired for such a prank, he must have thought.
I made sure the police caught him in the act. No pun intended.
3/3
"My folks are looking out for a guy for me."
"Shall we tell them we are in love?"
"Cheap #style, partner. Love marriage is for those with nothing to steal."
"I'll register on online matrimony site."
"Any good negotiator?"
"Uncle."
"Mom will demand quid pro quo."
#vss365
when I wrote this love poem I knew
you will not read it
ignore it's towhomsoeveritmayconcern
admit the old tropes bore you silly
let's burn this poem you will say
oh let's use it for ohwhat
how can our love reach full #potential
if we don't read minds or crystal gaze
#vss365
'2 Sides of The Coin' offers the better alternative.
40% of our revenue comes from politics. Every politician wants to have an own group. Language, religion, race, ethnicity are so easily #exhausted.
What we do is to make today’s kid-of-the-soil tomorrow’s foreigner.
#vss365
For more details about the business:
https://newnonentities.blogspot.com/2010/09/two-sides-of-coin.html
When the leaves are gone,
The #power of the sublime
Will turn revengeful.
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
(Dusk-ThiruOnam 📷 mine)
Don’t be at #doorway
with broom in hand, they insist.
You looked so happy.
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
"If Newton had discovered the Philosopher's Stone, humanity would have blessed."
"We missed the #chance to get an #article titled '#Gold is not a safe haven' from the Chancellor of the Exchequer."
"Why have they called the bouncers?"
"Well, we are in a jewelry shop."
#vss365
Vishnu was still #conscious. He was curled up like a foetus.
The brute gave Vishnu’s chest another kick. He picked up a heavy rock, squatted on one knee, ready to crush Vishnu's skull.
"Enough!"
That order came from behind the crowd.
#vss365
from
https://justoneavatar.blogspot.com/2013/11/flower-girl.html
Writing's tough (for me).
1, make the list. Birds, trees, love, war, death, loss, whatnot.
2, cross out everything. Don't copy, stupid.
3, stare at the blank page. The genius act.
4, post that.
5, stare at the four walls (while they tighten the straightjacket).
6,
smell the ink still in the air,
remember that,
that which was there with this then,
that #eludes me now, and this,
that lovely stink of sweaty us.
#vss365
When you asked,
Doubt the Jack-in-the-box and Suspicion
Tied my shoelaces together,
Browsed the #past, begged AI to crystal gaze,
And
When you were at the door,
I must have asked what you asked,
Do you love me
or
Was it rhetorical
or
A statement,
say,
Get lost?
#vss365
A bright blue morning.
Brings wafts of #pungent incense
By your head, my love.
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
Why do I write?
It's like love.
For me.
Not for you.
Perhaps.
It's for #sentient myself.
Not for robot me.
Cheap over-the-counter love gives me no high.
I've killed for it.
Lived with guilt.
Not boasting.
Not recommending it either.
Given another chance,
it would still be the same.
Perhaps.
And why does this look like a poem.
When it is not.
That's for cheap love.
#vss365
"Should we try a threesome?"
"Alone is best for this. Two is an #audacious challenge. Three would be suicidal."
"Good, aren't we, in this murder business?"
"Thx to love & possessiveness. That itself rules out 3."
"Right. Means to an end will become end of the means."
#vss365
"Appa, what was the best time with Amma?"
"Every moment."
"Appa! What was the really really best?"
"I had a night out with some pals. Drunken #vigil, we used to call it. That night, I knew I was with the wrong company. Left before dawn. Showered. Went to Hotel Rajesh at 6 when they opened. Got a heavy dose of filter coffee. Knocked at her door. We kissed. She said, nice coffee. Ha! Then..."
"Then?"
"Then, you happened."
#vss365
Why do we compare Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys,
Or The #Bionic Woman and The Six Million Dollar Man,
Is it because we are one and the same,
Or you are better than me to remember,
Or should I chase you away, my intruder,
From the silence and darkness of this long long wait?
#vss365
"What are you doing?"
"Writing."
"In the middle of..."
"Just a minute."
"It's our first night."
"Not the last night."
"It could be your last word."
"Exactly. Don't wait.
#Pummel the blank page with thoughts.
Domesticity!"
"Bah!"
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
Divine vision or #mystical inspiration or whatever it might be, it went against the guiding principles of the school and probably against the ethos of the society.
The Principal decided that the student and his sketch should go.
#vss365
from
https://justoneavatar.blogspot.com/2012/06/because-of-rain.html
I've been a beast,
this saint confesses:
not a caress
only roughness,
silence
& fussy deafness,
crude talk
& the excuse of old pastime,
chasing #rainbows
with rotten principles & outrage,
scoff
& make it all your fault,
crack the mirror
hell's too good for this devil.
#vss365
Love's been gone for too long,
I wouldn't know how I should be-
Scowl in sun-kissed love-nests
Or #laugh in dark godforsaken alleys?
Will these cold eyes find a smile,
Will I swallow the cynical wit,
Do I know how to touch and kiss?
Quite sure it ain't like swimming or cycling.
But then, that too is strange to me,
If it comes in deep water or on two wheels,
There's going to be a valid excuse
To escape from the kiss of life.
#vss365
There’s no poetry in my office.
It's 10 feet by 10 feet, a tight pack
Of 4 places – for me & another
And 2 love-birds that coo elsewhere.
I watch the ants perfect a straight march.
I've named the #spider in the left corner.
There's plenty to do till the other arrives...
#vss365
from
https://gatheredthoughts-swapna.blogspot.com/2011/03/office.html
Alone, wandering, searching in the vast expanse-
The air spoke past’s agony- the night before dawn.
I was not alone for I could hear a gentle sobbing-
Another lonely heart; breaking #rules, the like did attract.
#vss365
(from 'The Story of Swapna' circa early 90s)
https://discardedthoughts-swapna.blogspot.com/2009/07/his-story-searching-and-finding-1991.html
They caught their breath.
"Do you smoke after sex?"
"Never checked."
"Can I say I love you?"
"Depends."
"Lifelong bondage?"
"Nope."
"Unconditional care with unlimited #sass?"
"Ok."
"Good."
"Well, say it."
"What?"
"Pass the ciggie."
"I love you."
"Me too."
#vss365
Which #angel scattered diamonds upon this field –
O wicked one! Why do you #charm me so?
Life seems so light with its wish to join you,
But the gentle air alone caresses and beckons.
#vss365
from
https://newnonentities.blogspot.com/2010/07/last-time-i-wrote-about-love.html
The total eclipse at noon, wind, rain, lightning, thunder, swaying trees, cries for help-
all that added to the #charm of the danger within.
He entered the bedroom. Closed the door and knelt. The figure by the window smoked a beedi.
"Lovely, right?"
"Yes, Mistress."
#vss365
'Remember Sherin's suicide note?'
I read aloud that comment on her post.
Got a #scowl in return.
Found nothing about that.
Should not have disturbed the ghosts in unmarked graves. The boy under her Jeep. Her cousin's unsuitable affair. The disposed others.
When I say love you
What do I choose to forget?
Your sins or myself?
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
I was a king for six months.
In Beluru, not even a village then. In my 1st school, a hut with a moat of mud.
An imp with #mischief in her eyes raised a flutter in my chest. Could have made her mine if I knew I was king. I was a fool instead. Tried hard to be like her.
#vss365
from
https://justoneavatar.blogspot.com/2012/12/when-i-was-king.html
"Dragon Chicken always makes me cry," I said.
She nodded with #tear-filled eyes.
The kids did not seem embarrassed.
Farewell was a quick affair.
The kids had the same expression when we got into the taxi. That look that says we will never be together ever again.
#vss365
from my short story 'Never Together Ever Again'
https://justoneavatar.blogspot.com/2019/12/never-together-ever-again.html
I am in love:
To say that
(to myself,
to find #purpose)
Exhumed all the lies
Guilt and self-preservation
Buried deep in amnesiac bog.
In that same space will rot
All that was called love
In an imagined past,
To confess this
(to you,
to live again):
I love you.
#vss365
After the men left for #spiritual pastures, Aswathy said to Sudarshana, “That Sreekumar...there’s something troubling him. I think he is the kind who goes for the other woman.”
“And, his other one wonders about his another one,” Sudarshana said.
“Which one are you?”
#vss365
from a long short story I wrote in Berlin (kept me busy during the Christmas-Silvester break of '00):
https://newnonentities.blogspot.com/2010/12/4-deal.html
I should not write poetry
before the Sunday biriyani lunch.
I should not write poetry
before making love to you.
Don't ask me
why the biriyani comes before that.
The operative part is
I should not write poetry.
#SundayMorningThoughts
Our demons revisited us often. Somewhere along the way, we married. The kids turned out ok. Despite us.
We thought we would #mellow as empty nesters.
We laid to rest one insecurity. We were going to stick with each other till the end.
Maybe, that’s when it started.
#vss365
from
https://newnonentities.blogspot.com/2020/12/when-it-ended.html
I am the child of your glance,
it is these depths that lure,
Blink, hold on no more,
let the tear slide along,
from
furious rapids,
scorned depths,
love unrealized,
#innocence r@ped,
shattered mind,
bleeding heart,
let the tear slide along,
it may carry
a little pain.
#vss365
from
https://discardedthoughts-swapna.blogspot.com/2009/10/sketch-of-you-and-me.html
"You love me," I said.
"You too love me," she replied.
#Contrarian fling.
#vss365
#haiku #senryu ?
#vss365 (ok, it's not very short)
"Is this the little kid I carried?" she sounded just like Topol in 'Fiddler on the Roof'.
"How now brown cow?"
"This is not the time for Benny Hill," she shifted to Michael Corleone.
"Okie. Wassup?"
"My kid's in love."
"That’s lovely."
"And having sex."
"Come on, that’s better than depression and loneliness."
"That's #deviant. It should be banned outside marriage."
"Why should parents spend lots on a wedding for people to have sex?"
"That’s a parent's right. Eeew! Thinking about it gives me the creeps."
"Move with the times. Who is the lucky one?"
"Your kid."
"What the hell! Yuck! How can they? We should get them married."
"They are not interested."
"Tradition! Tra dee shon!"
We did the wine-bottle dance to drown our sorrow in sweat and tears.
How can I forget those times
When you found comfort
Lying on top of me
#Taffeta over plain old rag
I practised for such moments
The eyes, the touch, the words
There's no malice or deception
Isn't that what we do
To look good in any way
You too did well, my love
#vss365
Is that
a #cummerbund
or a tummy tucker,
and keds
for a black-tie affair?
Is it all
for love,
desperate
distraught
disaster?
Be yourself,
Be free,
Or flee,
Don't slurp,
Oh don't be you.
Jokes aside,
It's serious business,
Buy the asset,
Hedge well,
Trade or invest?
#vss365
