We were neighbours in hostel and that December morning in our first year
at the Institute, we stepped out of our rooms at the same time.
She must have noticed my hesitation. Or, I hers.
I thought of saying, “Ah! Forgot to take…” before disappearing back into
my room, to give her time to leave. Maybe, she thought of the same.
Instead, we said at the same time, “Institute…?”
We nodded. We did not speak the first ten minutes. It was just after
eight, the morning chill lingered, the lanes were empty.
“Sorry for the unwanted company,” I said. I hate companionable silence,
unless with solitude.
“What are you talking about?” she said.
“Weren’t you looking forward to a pleasant morning walk with solitude or
with your usual…better company?” I said.
“I get the message…sorry for intruding,” she said.
“What message?”
“Look, let’s not argue…” she said, thought a bit, “no, why not…”
“Geez, for ten minutes you walk silently, your discomfort more than
apparent. And now, you want to argue about that?”
“My discomfort…?” she said. “You are the one who’s been walking like a
kid forced to do something.”
“Hey, since you are the adult, why don’t you admit the truth?”
“What truth?”
“You would have preferred your usual company.”
“Maybe…they wouldn’t be talking nonsense…”
“What nonsense? Since we joined the Institute, that was four months back
just to remind you, you have made it clear that you do not want my company…in
hostel, in Institute…not even in the Canteen.”
“Yeah, right…you go alone to the Canteen…it’s no secret to anyone you
don’t like the company in the Institute…”
“What crap!”
“And, you disappear every weekend to party with your old groovy set?
Hey, we are just boring country bumpkins after all.”
“Geez, now I understand why you keep that fawning company. It must be so
nice to hear everyone agree with all the nonsense you say.”
“You and your Geez…yeah, they are any day better than you and your hoity
toity lot.”
We did not speak for the remaining ten minutes to the Institute.
For the first time, in those four months, we were together in the office
we shared. We did not mutter the usual, “Ah, let me give you space…” I did not
disappear to the computer room, as was the custom when she was already there;
and, she did not deposit her bag and race to her lab.
I closed the office door, placed my backpack on my chair and leaned
against my table.
She too kept her bag on her chair and stood with her back towards me for
a while. She turned to face me. I was still glaring at her. She moved closer.
I reached out for her hand and pulled her towards me.
“I will apologize later…” I said.
I kissed her, just a minute-long touch of lips.
“Now, apologize…” she said.
“For what?” I said.
She kissed me. This time, we were sure about the terrain.
We stayed close, bodies touching, caressing, till we heard footsteps in
the hallway.
“Better to get back to work, huh?” she said.
“Oh boy, it’s going to be tough…”
We laughed.
“Have fun with your company,” I said.
“Oh yes,” she said, “how I hate your company.”
“Solitude,” I said, “how I miss you,”
We laughed and went our ways. We did not realize that’s when it ended.
We stuck to our usual routine.
I got back to the hostel around half past six and waited for her. At
eight, I had dinner alone. At ten, I switched off the light and tried to sleep.
At twelve, I thought I heard someone knock lightly on my door.
Next morning, I had breakfast at six, not in the hostel but at a nearby
eatery and left for the Institute from there. I remained in the computer room. I
did not go back to the hostel that Friday. I stayed with a friend in the city
the whole weekend.
I got back to the hostel late Sunday evening, with a hangover, stinking
of liquor and cigar. She was sitting in the courtyard with her cronies. I took
bath and slept. She woke me up around half past eight.
“Eat,” she said, extending a plate with Maggi, vegetables and paneer.
“Brrr…veg…”
“Eat.”
She closed the door and sat on the floor. I sat on my bed, trying small
bites.
“On Thursday…” she started to speak.
“Did I ask?”
“On Thursday,” she continued, “my boss kept me in a meeting till eight.
He wanted to finish off the work with Jacques. The whole lab went for a dinner
after that. I couldn’t let you know. On Friday, it was more of the same. I knew
you would be sulking in the Computer room. I thought it would be best if I
waited till evening.”
“Why would I sulk?”
I opened the door, went to the kitchen and returned after washing the
plate.
She was still sitting on the floor.
I closed the door and sat beside her.
No one in the Institute would have been bothered if we had carried on as
lovebirds. No one was surprised when we were the exact opposite given our
issues: religion, caste, class, region, family, everything except politics
which we agreed was for the jobless. Some of our tussles were out in the open.
It must have been quite ugly in the final stages of our PhD. She had
secured multiple options which included a good job in a pharmaceutical company
and attractive postdoc positions abroad. With my less-than-stellar theoretical
work and even-worse connections, I was even contemplating life outside
Academia. She was supportive. She knew that irritated me more often than it
comforted. She loved to mother me. I told her we should keep our professional
spheres separate, that I did not need advice. She did not take any position for
a few months waiting for some clarity from my side. I got a six-month extension
to my fellowship. We lived together on my stipend in a cheap room-and-toilet outfit
in a place called Lottagollahalli on the outskirts. We rarely went to the city.
She had a miscarriage. A month before my fellowship ended, I managed to get a
postdoc position with an unknown in Bayreuth. She took up a position in Berlin.
I told her that I would love to marry her but wanted to wait till my situation
was a little better. She agreed, too easily I thought.
We survived that relationship-at-a-distance stage too. She liked
travelling. I did not. She hopped over to Bayreuth whenever it was convenient.
From there, we went to Manchester. She got a job. My postdoc position
was a lot better and I produced one or two papers that grabbed attention. She
complained of sexism in her firm and later racism when it came to promotions. I
was not surprised when she decided that she wanted to try a new venture with an
old colleague, along the lines of Theranos or something. That too in California.
I agreed to follow her. I got an academic position there.
Her company got onto the front cover of business journals. For good
reasons for a while, then for bad when her partner fudged data with one
product.
That did not put an end to her flights of fancy. She bounced back. That
must have infected me. I left Academia, changed fields and decided to make
serious money on the Street. It was not as easy as I expected. That time, she
followed me.
Our relationship also bounced along with our moves, in phase at times, our
old demons revisited us often with a lag. Nothing really worth writing home
about. Insecurity, shattered dreams, ruined relationships, financial troubles
and that bloody mothering of course. Not even an infidelity, I think. Somewhere
along the way, we got married and had two kids. When they were in junior
school, we were advised counselling at a parent teacher meeting. How could it
help when we did not want it? We ended the sessions when the counsellor asked
us about our sex life. We walked out together.
The kids turned out alright despite us. At one family dinner, when they
were in their twenties, they told us that we were actually normal and even
thanked us. We wondered if they were being sarcastic. Later, in our bedroom, we
discussed that feedback from the kids. Was it on some absolute or relative
scale?
We thought we would mellow as empty nesters. It got worse and it
got better. We laid to rest one insecurity. We were going to stick with each
other till the end. Maybe, that’s when it started.
